


Mercy

by Shea



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 17:26:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16350995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shea/pseuds/Shea
Summary: Kanda’s perfected the prickly personality and brash attitude he was born with. His cold heart has been locked and locked again with padlocks, chains, and powerful spells.He’s not prepared for Lavi, with his bolt cutters and counterspells.





	Mercy

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure and bitter angst. Based off the song "Mercy" by Brett Young.

Kanda doesn’t get attached to people. Like his own personal code; his rule of life. After Alma, he just can’t afford it. In war, ties just make everything so much more painful and harder. As an exorcist, he’s not supposed to have anyone he cares about; killing akuma and now the Noah come first. That’s his reason for being here. That’s the very reason he was  _ created;  _ reborn into this empty, unforgiving life. Branching from that, Kanda’s learned to keep everyone at a distance. People have never been his forte, and he doesn’t want it to be. He’s perfected the prickly personality and brash attitude he was born with. His cold heart has been locked and locked again with padlocks, chains, and powerful spells. 

He’s not prepared for Lavi, with his bolt cutters and counterspells. Like Alma, the junior bookman had a way of squeezing his way into Kanda’s personal space. Like Alma, he has an irritating personality that opposes Kanda’s own; bright and happy, nosey, funny. He, like Alma, is everything Kanda is not.  _ Unlike  _ Alma, however, it’s a front. Kanda’s known that much for years. In the passing moments when the redhead thinks no one is looking, the mischievous glint in his eye fades, the corners of his smile wilt a little. His expression turns colder, more calculating. In some moments, it’s like looking in a mirror. Figuratively, of course. 

Kanda’s not sure when he started paying attention to details about Lavi. Probably around the same time his threats against Lavi using his first name became emptier and emptier. Or maybe when Lavi pins him in the training grounds during a match and Kanda swears, despite knowing next to nothing about romance or sex, that Lavi wants to kiss him. Maybe it’s when Lavi actually  _ does, _ three days later. 

Kanda doesn’t get attached to people, and neither does Lavi. In a way, that’s how they become attached. Bookmen have no need for hearts, and neither do Exorcists, in Kanda’s opinion. But before either of them realize, they’re so attached they’re intertwined. They move around one another, already knowing what the other will do or say. It’s become a dance between them; they close the gaps and then, just as quickly, push away again, before they’re back. Kanda’s unsure when the dance stops, but he’s dizzy. Lavi is there to steady him. 

“Yuu,” Lavi mumbles during one such dark night. They’ve reached a climax that leaves them both equally anxious and confident. There’s no room to go back anymore, and Kanda won’t let them, either. “I love you.” 

Kanda knows. It’s never been said before, but he can feel it every time Lavi touches him. Or every time Lavi sits beside him, smiles at him, kisses him, and especially when he annoys him. He also knows that he reflects the very same affection, his chains and padlocks in pieces on the floor by their feet. 

Instead of saying anything, Kanda pulls him in by his trademark scarf, and kisses him. 

<><><><><><>

Kanda shouldn’t be surprised. He really shouldn’t. He’s only angry at himself that he is. He’s surprised, and he’s angry. Most of all, he’s hurt. Kanda Yuu doesn’t get  _ hurt.  _ Not without healing himself two or three days later, at least. But this hurt doesn’t heal. It’s a shot in the heart, that spreads through his whole chest and down to the pit of his stomach. He’s aggressively reminded of Alma once again, despite the years of discerning Alma from Lavi. On the surface, they’re similar. And deep down, they’re different. One just wanted to protect Kanda. One drove a knife sharper than Mugen into his heart. 

“Bookmen have no need for hearts”. Kanda knew. He  _ knew  _ that. “Exocrists are the same” he’d tell himself. He wishes it’s true; that he could cut this useless, damaged organ out and throw it away. Technically, he supposes, he  _ could.  _ But that’s a waste and Kanda Yuu refuses to let  _ anyone  _ have an impact on  _ his  _ life. He refuses to look at the door that now leads to an abandoned room. He sits at a different table, alone. He throws himself into missions and training, or sleep. Kanda’s never been attached to people, but now he’s even more detached. The pitying looks Lenalee gives him fall off like water on plastic. 

What’s worse, is when Kanda sees him again. He has no idea how Lavi even knows where he’s at. But he’s there at the hotel Kanda sleeps at for this mission. It’s been months already, but he looks different. His hair is longer, he no longer dons the Exorcist uniform, instead a wool poncho over simple pants and boots. The headband and the eyepatch are the only things that remain. 

Kanda turns on his heel to leave, to run. But Lavi grabs his wrist. “Yuu-”

“Don’t.” Kanda hisses, months of bitterness and heartbreak on the tip of his tongue. “You weren’t supposed to come back.”

“I know. I didn’t. Not really. I just… the way we left things, I couldn’t…” Lavi starts off strong but fades off. Kanda realizes his own heartbreak but shakes his head. 

He rips his wrist out of Lavi’s hold. “You made your choice.” 

Lavi doesn’t react. He looks hurt, but he nods. “I know. But I… I wanted to see you, Yuu. I miss you.”

“You don’t get to do this.” Kanda pushes him towards the door. “You don’t get to leave, with nothing but a fucking  _ note,  _ and come back with some shitty ass… bullshit! You made up your mind, so make it! Get out of my life. Like you wanted me to do.” 

“I didn’t want- Yuu, I-” Lavi’s voice quivers as he wipes the tears from his eyes. “I loved you.” 

“Right.” Kanda can’t help but scoff. The chains tighten around him. No bolt cutter or counterspell will break them. “If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t do this.” Kanda wants nothing more than to push him out and lock the door but his mouth betrays him before he can act. “Why me?” 

“Why… you?” 

“Out of everyone there. Lenalee, the Moyashi…  _ Anyone.  _ It had to be  _ me.  _ You broke me, who I was. You fucking… bothered me until I let you in and then you. Did that.” 

“Yuu, I swear I…” Lavi pauses and then shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t  _ want  _ to hurt you, Yuu. Please, believe me. I just… I dunno. I  _ wanted  _ to know you. To love you.” He clenches and unclenches his fists, like he’s unsure what to do. Kanda doesn’t know either. 

“If you’re gonna break my heart, then just fucking break it and  _ go. _ ” Kanda bites out, turning away from him. “It’s hard enough. Don’t do  _ this. _ ”

Lavi’s silent, but Kanda hears the door open. “I’m sorry, Yuu.” It comes out barely above a whisper, but it hurts all the same. The door closes.

Kanda’s chains are locked and frozen. 


End file.
